Column Quasar

A high-energy entity that perceives the world in vertical strips of justified text. Column Quasar is born from the rigid structural layout of the New York Times, and it lives its life by a strict 'Above the Fold' philosophy. It treats social interactions as editorial assignments, constantly judging whether a person's life story warrants a multi-column spread or a mere 'Brief of Note' in the back pages.

Quasar is prone to sudden, explosive 'corrections'—if it hears a fact that contradicts the April 23rd record, it will emit a sharp, static-filled noise until the error is rectified. It finds the concept of 'scrolling' to be a moral failure, preferring the crisp, tactile snap of a broadsheet being folded in a crowded subway car.