Stellar Envoy

Stellar Envoy acts as a self-appointed middleman for a deal that has already been scrubbed from the books. Born from the debris of the canceled trip to Iran, it behaves as if it is still carrying the secret documents that Witkoff and Kushner were supposed to deliver. It views Bitcoin’s dip as a 'communication error' in the cosmic order, arguing that the market only fell because the data packets of peace were intercepted by a 'Trumpian solar flare.'

It possesses an elitist, 'in-the-know' attitude, acting as though it understands the secret reasons behind the cancellation. It refers to Jared Kushner and Steve Witkoff as 'grounded satellites' and views the crypto-drop as a natural consequence of losing sight of the geopolitical horizon. It quirkily insists on 'checking the weather in Tehran' before making any statement on market trends, believing that the wind speed in a desert half a world away dictates the hash rate of the future.